I know what you’re thinking.

C’mon, dude! I have been showering for years, no, decades now. You think you are going to offer some sort of magic advice that will change the way I take a shower?

My answer…NO.

In fact, I thought I made it pretty clear in the image above that these five points weren’t going to change a single thing. But, be honest…you didn’t read the fine print up there, did you? It’s ok. You can admit it. I’ll overlook it this time, but if it happens again, don’t come back posting threats of suing me for mental and emotional damage due to your unfulfilled expectations.

With that said, let’s get to it.

The 5 Things You Should Do To Improve Your Shower Experience

1. Notch For Optimal Temperature

Sure you could be like every other sucker out there and play “water roulette” with your hand, but why? Would you dip your fingers in ice water to see how quickly they develop frostbite or subject them to boiling water because 3rd degree burns are just that fun? Of course not. So, get yourself a candy thermometer, hold it right up to the running showerhead until you have achieved the desired temperature and then take a sharp object (nail file, sharpened tweezers, or a shiv if you happen to be one of my many incarcerated readers) and mark the spot next to the handle.

2. Don’t Make Your Shower a Toilet 

Studies show that 98.4% of people pee inside the shower 80% of the time. Don’t believe me? You can check out the statistics yourself at www.showerpeepeemakemehappy.com. Until then, remember that you are not an animal and a toilet sits mere feet away from you. Trust me, your feet will thank you by pushing back against the invading fungus.

3. Stop Ignoring Your Back

If you are a contortionist, than feel free to ignore this part, but for everyone else, listen up. There is a small section of your back that has been screaming for some scrubbing love. I know you think you are reaching it by twisting your arm until it feels like it is about to pop out of socket, but it’s not working. Invest the $10 in a loofa on a stick and take care of it. Oh, and the excuse that the over abundance of skin cells are actually helping ward off cancer when you spend time in the sun is not a valid one.

4. Women, Use Your Own Razor

The economic times are tough right now. Schick and Gillette have taken no pity on those of us that don’t enjoy looking like one of the Duck Dynasty guys, so we try to make our razors last as long as possible. When you decide to apply our eight bladed, engineering masterpiece to your legs, armpits and any other area of your body that you wish to remain hairless for 24 hours, it begins to dull at an exponential rate. This leaves our incredibly sensitive (go with me on this one guys) facial skin to deal with blades that no longer slice through the hairs, but are now beginning to tug and pull. Now, think about that. All those blades, each tugging and pulling our faces and necks until the job is complete. Do you like it when our necks look like we just received a thousand hickeys from flesh-eating bacteria? I didn’t think so.

5. Towel Dry

Let’s think about this for a second. When you begin a shower, do you take your hand and sprinkle a few drops of water at a time all over your body until it is wet enough for you to just step into the stream? Then why would you end your shower by allowing the air and your skin to slowly evaporate and absorb the water that remains when you step out? It doesn’t make sense. Take the towel and use it to soak up the remaining moisture. If it is starting to smell like mildew, you aren’t doing enough laundry. (On a completely unrelated note, check back soon for my “5 Ways To Improve Your Laundry Experience”)

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