Let me begin this post by saying that I haven’t actually seen this movie, but based on what I have heard, it details the incredibly stressful lives of military bomb squads that search for explosives in combat zones and attempt to disarm or safely detonate the devices. That said, I think my daughter would make a great training tool for these soldiers.

I’ll explain.

A few months ago we attended the long-awaited wedding of my uncle. He waited for forty-two years for God to bless him with a wife and our entire family (especially my grandmother) could not have been more excited to finally see him get married.

The day of the wedding, my wife and I prepared ahead of time to put our daughter down for her nap a little early so she would wake up refreshed and in a good mood when it was time to head to the church. Apparently, that hotel bed made her little body feel like she was sleeping on a cloud or something because she did not wake up when we expected. As it got closer to the time we needed to leave, I finally decided that she had to wake up so we could get her ready and head out. She was NOT happy.

We did what we could to calm her down by giving her some of her favorite snacks while trying to get her dressed at the same time. She was obviously cranky but I was betting that she would adjust and eventually settle down when the ceremony began.

Well, she must have had money on the other side of that bet, because she got much worse. As soon as I attempted to sit down and relax with her toward the front row where all the family sits, she started to cry and would not calm down. I made her a bottle, which she gulped down in about five minutes and promptly returned to causing a scene. I tried all my usual techniques for getting her to relax, but she knew each of them and was ready to squash those attempts with a louder cry and more embarrassing reaction of her own.

As the ceremony was getting ready to start, I knew that I could not keep her up at the front, so I grabbed her and the diaper bag and headed to the back. She continued to sob, but the fact that I was standing and holding her seemed to help a little. Once the room got silent and the ceremony began, this is how the rest of our time unfolded…

Music begins and wedding processional begin to walk down the aisle

Baby: starts crying

Dad: tries to calmly -shush- the baby

Baby: starts crying louder

Dad: attempts to give the baby a snack

Baby: pushes the snack away, continues crying

Dad: (becoming frustrated, yet trying to stay calm) offers the baby water

Baby: pushes the water away, continues crying

Dad: starts to beg the baby to “stop crying for the love of all that is Holy”

Baby: seems to get offended and decides to raise the decibel level of her cries

Dad: angrily grabs the diaper bag and takes the baby into a nearby bathroom

Baby: begins to calm down a little

Dad: feels hope that he will be able to see the rest of the wedding

Baby: stops crying completely but still does not appear happy

Dad: takes a few seconds for the sake of appearing composed and exits the bathroom

Baby: (upon hearing the noise from the ceremony) begins to start sobbing again

Dad: (with hopes that his baby magically understands him) tries to reason with the baby by explaining that this is important and he has waited all these years to see his uncle get married and that the 3 ½ hour drive was not for nothing and would she please let him enjoy this wedding

Baby: starts to cry louder

Dad: repeats all the steps until eventually he is forced to head back to the bathroom

So, this continues a few times, but for pretty much the entirety of the wedding. I saw my uncle and his new bride kiss each other for the first time and caught them walking out. That was it. Every move of my body or attempt to give her what she would usually want was an utter failure. And, just in case you were wondering, my wife was busy taking pictures, so I was truly the only option.

Although it was a horrible experience overall, I did come away from it learning a few things.

1)    The bathrooms in that little chapel are very clean and tiled with expert precision.

2)    Babies don’t understand the concept of important moments.

3)    As long as I love her unconditionally and have any desire to maintain my dignity in public places, my daughter will hold absolute power over me for the rest of my life.

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